Marvelous

Sat down to do my daily meditation and went back to yesterdays, just for a recap, and something hit me... I must have been really tired to have missed it or I wasn't ready to receive it but, I'm so glad I had the thought to go back.... My devotional sent me to Psalm 1 39:13-14.  When I read the last two lines in 14 something clicked inside me. Marvelous are Your words, And that my soul knows very well. 

It was like a ah ha moment and in that moment I knew it was my soul that received His word. When my heart or head tries to understand what I read before my soul can take it in I have confusion.  For me its an uncomfortable feeling of  "I don't get it".  Tonight I got it , well at least these 2 verses...  Everyday I am learning something new, asking new questions and getting a new understanding.  All the while I am changing I can feel it. More importantly I can see it.. I am so grateful for being "awakened" as the Buddha would say and to being open to receive these wise words...

Transformation

This week I have been reflecting on how my life has transformed over the last 18 years.  Many thoughts and feelings have been running through my mind and heart.  I came across this picture and the brief description of its meaning gives me a feeling of comfort.  I am that "man" only I am a woman who is the seeker.  Each day I look forward to seeing all the beauty this picture represents.  The artists website describes this painting in the following way: At first glance, this painting looks like a decorative artwork.  Unusually bright blossoms in the branches are the center of the composition.. but then, after a while of gazing at the picture, you see that the blossoms are actually butterflies.. The painting evokes a line from Japanese poetry:"I thought, the blossom is back on the branch,...but oh...its only a butterfly." Through these symbols in circular composition, the viewer looks in rounds.  Thus, the profound, secret meaning of the painting is reveled.  The metamorphosis form a slow-growing caterpillar to a beautiful winged butterfly symbolizes the immortality and Transformation of a man's soul on the way to God. In every painting by the artist there is an unseen dialog between man and God.  God is always present in the artists work.  In this particular painting, "The Transformation", it is His hand that is turning over the pages of the Holy Writ.  God reveals the secretes of the Universe through the symbol's, which one should know to understand.  A small figure of man is trying to perceive something unknown and look beyond the borders of the visible world.  In the artists art, the man is always a seeker of truth and God's appearance in everything..”  

WOW Spiritual Growth for this MOM Upside Down

Today I am filled with such gratitude. I have been doing Bible Study using a Woman’s Devotional Bible and I can feel the spirit working within me.  I chose to start out my month focusing on PURPOSE.  Each day there is a Scripture that focuses on PURPOSE with a personal message from different people and then there are corresponding Scriptures that support the Daily Devotional.  Each day prior to reading I ask for my heart and my spirit to be opened so that I may clearly see what my POURPOSE is. 

It’s my PURPOSE beyond what I know it to be today.  There is more in this world for me to be and do.  There is more for me to give to this world.  I know that my greatest gift to the world is the 3 little people that I have been blessed with.  The task of raising them to be spiritual, honest, compassionate, responsible, kind and good human beings is a great honor.  It is defiantly one I do not take lightly. 

Monday Corina turned 18 and she was so sure I would cry.  Honestly I had tears of Joy at who she had become in those 18 years; she is truly an amazing young woman.  My tears were not tears of loss now that she is an adult.  I believe my true tears will be the day that she will go into the world on her own standing on her on feet with her head held high and a degree in her hand.  Giving to the world all the great many things she has been blessed with.   That is a day in which I know tears will flow.  These kids are only mine for a little while and then they are a gift upon the world in which they live. 

I am looking forward to all of the lessons and messages that this new Devotional Bible has in store for me.  It is filling me with love and hope and peace everyday.  It is with love, hope and peace I am finding strength.  Each day I am grateful for being able and willing to receive and follow through with what is in store for me. 

Thank You

A lot has gone on since the last blog post.  I started this blog with the intent to blog regularly and for whatever reasons I have not done so.  I am going to honestly work hard and blogging on a regular basis.  My life is busy and non stop for the most part however as of today I commit to getting real and checking in with myself emotionally and blogging a few times a week.  Everything my life is made up of: the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Today was day 2 of my daily devotional, and in my reading I was reminded that everyone needs people to help them achieve their purpose and to help them achieve the plan that is in store for us.  When I review my life and take inventory of the things in my life that I have gone thru I am faced with the reality that I couldn’t have gotten thru those things without my faith and with out the support of my friends and family. I can say that I know many people and I can also say that only a portion of them are “my friends”.  I am grateful for the people who have been put in my life to teach me the very powerful lesson that I am not meant to go though life alone.  That my gifts and burdens are to be shared with my family and friends and to allow myself to be seen for who I am inside and out.  It has been a hard thing for me to embrace; being as independent as I am leaning on others has always been very difficult for me to do.  I am very grateful to know that I am not meant to carry everything on my own…………………….

What a difference time makes...

For me writing is therapeutic, with every word that leaves my head and rests on the screen or in my many journals around the house I am healed little by little.  I have recently returned to work, full time for the most part, and I was worried the new change would be very draining and taxing on me emotionally.  So far it has not even though having to interact with my ex husband is by no means a bed of roses.  If anything its more like wanting to Mow Down the Roses, at least in the past.  There have been times in my past that were so painful. This is a reality and if I allow myself to tap in to those old feelings I can clearly see just how deep and real the pain was back then.  As time passes the "realness" of those times fades.  However, there are times like today that I am reminded, gratefully reminded, not to let my guard down.  I wasn't reminded by something he did,  I was reminded when I found an old journal entry.  I have no memory of writing it because for me getting it on paper gets it out of my head BUT I know that I wrote it because reading it reminded me of how grateful I am for the passing of time, the gift of healing and the never ending strength life teaches me to have.
 
How do I get passed the pain
     How do I just sit around
        Watching as the ball gets    (golf)
         more attention than us
           Waiting for those nasty
              words to come
                 I may be the bitch
                  he says I am
                    I may be as worthless as
                     he makes me feel
Often I find myself alone in those thoughts
  How do I move on
     Hanging on seems to only
      hurt me deeper
        Loving my Family is not enough
          I cant seem to let it go either
             Like the grip of a pitbulls jaw
               my grasp will not slip
                 Even with the pain of the knife
                  that sits in my back
My heart wont skip a beat
     How am I to let it go
       when my heart wont let me
         I wish I could go back to when
           I knew our love was real



Wow so grateful those times are gone......................


                             

Blaker

This little man was truly an unexpected surprise that has changed my life in many ways. Other than being a HANDFUL his Daddy is without a doubt my other half and I lucky to have them both in my life. Together his dad and I learn from Blake everyday... Blake is smart, funny, sweet, compassionate, loving, defiant at times but is always eager to do better. I am grateful to call him one of my boys........................

I can only compare the love I have for this dog to the greatest gift I have ever known. The greatest gift ever given to me are the amazing 4 little people I have been blessed enough to have in my life... And then came Dozer, it is a different love than I have for the kids but as strong as any love Ive ever known...